The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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