I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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