I haven't been this sober since birth.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
