ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
