Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
