the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
