I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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