I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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