Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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