Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
