just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
