Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
