she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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