Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
