he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
this will be a night to untag.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
