Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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