I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
When did angry sex become our thing?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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