he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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