New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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