just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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