cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
