Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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