I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
