Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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