Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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