God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
