I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
