I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
