i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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