Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
