I swear she didn't look like that last week.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
