you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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