i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
i wish my penis had a tongue
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
