Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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