you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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