i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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