I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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