frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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