You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I currently don't understand fingers.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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