I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I got inside last night via doggy door
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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