Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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