The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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