Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
