the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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