i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
