Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
These tits shall not be calmed
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