Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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