somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I want her autograph on my taint
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
