i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
