I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
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Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
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I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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