I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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