Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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