My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
