Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
