I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
