I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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